Country of Cowcraft
by Mark Renshaw
Summary: A World of Warcraft Spoof following a Guid called Britofartus. Laugh insanely as he adventures in the lands of Earzaroff, only to discover it's all been for naught when the first expansion is announced!
1. Prologue

_There is no cow level…why?_

_Prologue_

When the ancient Greek Gods were rejected by mankind for being blatantly unbelievable and far too hairy, they fled from Mount Olympus in search of other lands to rule. Their search brought them to the mighty realm of Earzaroff. Now calling themselves 'Geeks' they quickly subjugated the mortals of these lands introducing new laws, shaping the world to their will. These laws, known as 'teh rulez' were strange indeed but most of the population learned to adhere to them. Now the denizens of Earzaroff quest, battle and grind in a never ending cycle of adventure for power, riches, fame and the general amusement of the Geeks.


	2. The Gratuitous Introduction

**Chapter 1 – The Gratuitous Introduction**

Britofartus was a *Bright-Elf Guid. Guid's are the keepers of nature. They were fairly confident they would also come in handy when computers were invented. As a Guid, Britofartus could manipulate mysterious arcane energies to heal horrendous injuries, throw Wrathballs and Starbarbeams at enemies, heal minor injuries, changes shape into various creatures and heal injuries which were not that horrendous but too severe to be strictly classified as minor ones. Guids also have the ability to teleport to the exact same spot they were already standing in. No-one knows why.

As was the case with most of the mortals in Earzaroff, Britofartus did not venture more than five feet from his home until he reached the age of manhood and began The Levelling. Those who embarked on The Levelling were known as Players. Those who did not were known as Not-Players. This may not be the most imaginative way to distinguish the population but it sure is easy. The Geeks decreed long ago that the basic principles of 'teh rulez' should be understood by those with the least brain cell capacity or those unfortunate souls afflicted with an allergy to manuals. Therefore certain things were really as straightforward as can be.

As a Player, Britofartus progressed through The Levelling by completing quests handed out by Not-Players carrying the Mark of Exclam. This was basically a big yellow floating squiggle thing that sounds far more impressive than it looks. These Quests ranged from the mundane to the amazing to the bizarre but in completing them Players helped the Not-Players get on with their lives. In return the Not-Players would surge a tiny bit of energy passed on by the Geeks to the Players as a reward. The more quests, the more energy. The more energy, the more The Levelling progressed, gaining more strength, power and special abilities. The higher The Levelling the more dangerous the areas Players could venture to, the more difficult (but still bizarre) quests you could take on and the better the treasure and rewards would be.

The highest attainable state of The Levelling, known as the Sexigesmal Level or more commonly referred to as 'Teh Sex,' allowed Players to band together to enter the massive Dungeons of Molten Bore or take on the dark god Hax0r in Zul Grub to reap the most prized possessions the world has ever seen!

That was of course until Britofartus reached this holy of all levels, entered these most sacred of dungeons and reaped the biggest baddest weapons and armour he could imagine. That's when the Geeks decided to have some fun.

_* Bright-Elves were not named so due to their intelligence but because of the light which shines from their eyes. These are very handy for reading at night or makes for a cheap but effective Lighthouse._


	3. Expansion

**Expansion**

**Note – See end of chapters for additional information marked with an Asterisk ***

Britofartus charged through the Really Badlands on Timothy, his epic gay ram, towards the dreaded *Dark'ish Portal. For the umpteenth time that day he silently cursed the Geeks for changing everything just as he was getting settled into a nice routine.

He'd been happily engaged in the wanton slaughter of Grey Wonderbraw over in Autumnspring just before it happened. Wonderbraws walked upright like humanoids but looked more like a cross between a dog and a bear. They had this terrible habit of not wiping after doing number twos, which resulted in clogs of rock hard crusties stuck in their hair. Britofartus was merrily engaged in Grey Wonderbraw genocide in an attempt to win favour and gain notoriety with the opposing Red Wonderbraw faction. If he gained enough notoriety this faction promised to allow him access to some of their most powerful secrets, plus he could shag any Red Wonderbraw he pleased. This was a common theme for Players (not the shagging, that was optional) who had attained the Sexigesmal Level and was known as The Cringe. The Cringe represented the look on Players faces when they realised how long they would have to work to gain the notoriety they needed to achieve their objective.

Going on the Cringe, or Cringing as it was also known was not all that bad. As with all other hostile and sometimes blatantly neutral beings in the land, killing them reaped rewards. You could loot the corpse and find money, food, items and sometimes rare treasure.

Most of the time it would be useless stuff like a tear-stained fag packet or a twitching leg off a comedy rubber chicken but sometimes it could be something amazing like a Monkey's Blaring Tooth of the Banana Whale which, when equipped, gave you +8 to how hard you are.

The truth is you never knew what you would get and part of the excitement; part of the thrill of adventuring was due to this. Sometimes Cringing for an hour or so was quite calming, especially against beings which stood no chance at all against you. After a while though it became boring, besides it took ages to wash out all that blood, hair and crusties from your armour.

Britofartus had just dispatched his hundredth Wonderbraw when a huge winged-demon, at least thirty feet high swooped over the Grey Wonderbraw village (which looked remarkably like the Red Wonderbraw village) landing on the Chieftain's hut. The demon had dark grey skin, red eyes and rows of vicious looking sharp teeth. Apart from a totally inadequately sized furry thong the demon wore no clothes at all. Throbbing red veins pulsed with red lines of power all over his well defined muscular body and Britofartus felt the first pang of jealously overwhelm his previous feelings of stark, raving terror.

"Listen to me beings of Earzaroff for I am a Herald of the Geeks!" said the demon on the world stream.

All Players could telepathically communicate with each other in various and surprisingly sanely logical ways. This helped make life a little easier when organizing Multi-Player outings or for buying and selling items. The Stream system also included handy filtering options to need out those with the least brain cell capacity or those unfortunate souls afflicted with an allergy to manuals. The demon was overriding all these options and using the Geek's own World Stream which could not be blocked.

"For yours and their continued pleasure and delectation," continued the demon, "The Geeks have found other lands for you to explore and conquer!"

This statement brought in various 'Ooohs!' and 'Ahhs!' and at least one, 'Stop spamming the stream noob!" in response. The Demon paused for dramatic effect before continuing. "This new world will be known as the Otherlands…" there was a chorus of laughs, giggles and a multitude of sarcastic "nice original name dude!" type comments and the demon had to shout for order several times before the noise stopped.

"Yes the Otherlands! Anyone else care to comment? Huh? Huh?"

No one dared to say a word.

"In these Otherlands you will find awaiting you new challenges, new adventures and new, more powerful rewards including Tear 4000 and Tear 5000 armour sets!"

This statement caused a deluge of cheers, questions and comments from all over the world. During the chaos the Demon quickly and quietly said, "Therefore all your current gear is defunct, nearly useless, and fairly knackered really."

Britofartus doubted anyone else had heard this comment and reckoned it was only because he was so close to the demon that he had.

His heart sunk at the demon's words. Tear armour sets were the ultimate objective for all Players. Each Tear set was based on the calculation of how many tears you would shed before obtaining the full set. Britofartus had only recently obtained his full Tear 1000 set (he had indeed shed around 1000 tears) and although it looked a bit silly with the green grass helmet, the branch pants and the clay covered gloves it still gave him so much power he didn't care. He didn't care that the Assasin's and the Barbarian's Tear 1000 armour set looked so much cooler at all. No, no, no, never; never in a million years would he wake up banging his head on the floor in frustration. No, never!

But now if he understood this correctly the Otherlands basic gear would be much better than his current set so it meant basically everyone starting from scratch. Before he could ponder this any further the Demon spoke again.

"To further encourage Players, the Geeks will allow those who venture to the Otherlands to carry on with The Levelling to a new, higher level which will be known as the Septagesimal level!"

Again there was a deluge of responses, including someone who asked if they could still refer to it as "teh sex?" All were ignored.

"But be warned," said the demon, his tone becoming more threatening, "I myself will be stood between you and the most powerful objects in these lands and I can assure you all, YOU…SHALL…NOT…PASS!"

With this the demon slammed down an enormous staff on the ground, causing a small earthquake to ripple through Autumnspring, The quake disrupted a low level player called "sdfsdfsj" who had been patrolling the same area for hours, continuing despite all the fuss going on with the demon. His pattern changed slightly, he walked obliviously over the side of a cliff.

The Demon paused again for dramatic effect but Britofartus couldn't help himself and performed a Psst directly at the Demon. Pssting was another way of communicating with other players but it guaranteed the conversation was between both parties only.

"Psst" said Britofartus. "*cough* Copyright infringement *cough* Plagiarism *cough* Lord of the Rings *cough* Gandalf!"

"What?" replied the Demon.

Several more Psst's later and the Demon cleared his throat and said, "Err, what I meant to say was, "YOU….ARE…NOT…PREPARED!" He then Psst to Britofartus, "Is that ok?"

"Ah….err…well…it'll do I suppose." replied Britofartus.

With that the Demon vanished in a cloud of very polluting looking black smoke. A few moments later a Player called FunkyMonkey said, "Err, how are we supposed to get to the Otherlands then?"

The demon re-appeared and replied, "Ooh, yes of course. Silly me. Next Tuesday, 12pm, through the Dark'ish Portal in the Really Bad Lands ok? Cheers, thanks, bye!"And poof, he was off again.

The streams exploded in frenzied discussions. A few people complained that their mum would not let them stay up so late but Britofartus filtered all the streams out to ponder the significance of this new world expansion. His ponderings were interrupted as a surviving Wonderbraw crawled out of the remains of the Chieftain's hut. Shaking, he stood up, sniffed the air, staggered forward drunkenly before sitting down again completely baffled. Britofartus was pleased to see it was the Chieftain himself which was worth far more notoriety than a normal Wonderbraw. He was about to finish him off when he realised all this was no longer relevant. He no longer had to Cringe. He could quest again! Despite the loss of his hard earned gear he could enjoy the Leveling, getting stronger and learning new talents again! He no longer had to engage in wanton slaughter in a single area contested by other Players, he had a whole new world were he could engage in mindless (but sometimes plot driven) violence while engaged in hilarious banter on streams with his friends. It was time for him to prepare. It was time for him to move on! It was time for him to snap the Chieftain's neck first for old times sake!

_* When you say the words 'Dark Portal' you envisage a terrifying dark swirling mass of chaos. In this instance the portal is kind of a dark gray colour with streaks of blue splattered with pink stars. In fact it's rather pretty._


	4. The Dark'ish Portal

**The Dark'ish Portal**

'That was then and this is now.' thought Britofartus as he galloped through The Really Badlands on Timothy. Timothy was not really gay. He was actually a battle hardened Charger who could only be obtained by becoming very notorious with the Stormpole faction. But let us be realistic here, this was not a sabre-tooth tiger or a horse which breathed fire like other mounts, this was a big ram which bleated! Britofartus remembered the first time he rode the ram. He had jumped over the crest of a hill to find the other side was far steeper than he had anticipated. They landed hard and the ram had made this strangled bleating noise which sounded like a fart. It was at this point he decided to name him Timothy. He was under no illusion he was riding a mega cool mount, it was a big gay looking ram. This upset other Players with Stormpole Chargers when he pointed this out but he did not care, it was cheap and it would keep him going until he could get his hands on the new Winged-Mounts rumoured to be available in the Otherlands.

Although Timothy was fast, Britofartus was getting bored looking at miles and miles of the same bleak landscape. The Really Badlands was not named for its dangerous inhabitants or its treacherous terrain it was just…really badly designed. It was as if whichever god had created it really could not be bothered and decided to make one massive red desert area with no redeeming features of any kind. Even the Geeks must have realised this as they were the ones who named it so when they took over Earzaroff.

Britofartus removed a long pole from his backpack. At the end dangled a piece of string with a carrot tied to the end. He flicked the pole, holding it so the carrot was visible to Timothy but just out of reach of his mouth. Timothy bleated in excitement, putting on a tiny burst of speed which would guarantee they would reach their destination a precious few seconds early.

Britofartus cursed one last time then decided he had best get over it. He glanced at his Darkbroom Amulet and nearly cried when he remembered how much Cringing it had taken for him to obtain this epic item. The amulet was at the end of a beautiful golden chain. Crescent shaped, the amulet itself was also gold which a streak of blue sapphires around the rim. When he wore it the amulet made him move faster and hit with far more strength than he normally possessed. He knew within a few days it would be replaced with a cheap looking plastic thing, no doubt in the shape of a duck. All his gear would be similarly replaced by novelty items. At least he would no longer look like a tree (Note from Author – WRONG! lol!). He also reminded himself he would be more powerful, exploring new lands while enjoying new adventures. Lost in thoughts of conquest and glory Britofartus did not realise Timothy had stopped until he bleated, his mouth snapping inches away from his precious carrot. Britofartus looked up. They had reached their destination. They were at the Dark'ish Portal!

Although the Really Badlands had no redeemable features, when the Geeks activated the Dark'ish Portal it turned a non-descriptive area into the most popular place in the world! The Portal was huge, almost as tall as the mountain range which stood behind it. Surrounded by stone and flanked on either side by two enormous stone statues, their heads covered in hoods left their faces in shadow. The only aspect visible was two glowing blue eyes which seemed to follow you around the camp. It was quite creepy, as if powerful souls had been trapped in the statues for eons; souls which were just itching to get out and eat the world. Britofartus surveyed the camp site which had been setup by the Urgent Dawn Military unit in response to the new threat. Although no-one knew exactly what the threat might be, everyone knew instinctively opening portals between worlds was never a good idea. It certainly never turned out all happy and pretty in books anyway.

All around the Portal, through the camp site and basically as far as the eye could see, Players waited by the thousands for the big event. It was twenty minutes to midnight and everyone was bursting with excitement!

Every type of Player from every race was here. Barbarians who were so strong they could wear the heaviest armour and were powered by anger just like the Hulk. There were Wizards who used Manga to charge their spells. Manga was also used by fellow Quids, Clergy, Pallybins (who could not decide if they were Barbarians or Clergy), Shams, Borelocks and Rangers. No-one knows why Rangers use Manga (or claim to anyway) as how difficult can it be to pull a bowstring or the trigger of a gun? However because they have big bows, guns and are protected by huge scary beasts this claim is not questioned. Finally there are Assassins. Assassins use the secrets of guile and stealth to dispatch their enemies and are adrenaline junkies. You will never see an Assassin go into battle without his poisons, daggers and cans of Red Bull.

Then there were the different races of course. As well as Humans there were Bright-Elves, Vertically Challenged Folk and Even More Vertically Challenged Folk. These races formed an alliance that represented the forces of good and were therefore known as the Good Guys.

Opposite them were the forces of evil represented by a horde of general ugliness known as the Bad Guys. These were Zombies, Ogres, Golems and *Torvills.

There was supposed to be an unsteady truce between the two sides but this did not include permission to trade or interactive with each other in any meaningful way. Fighting however was allowed in either private one-to-one affairs or massive battles in convenient locations all around the world. All-in-all if the meaning of word truce actually meant open warfare it would be an apt description.

At the moments however all such petty squabbles were put to one side as everyone awaited the opening of the Darki'sh Portal. There was the odd Player challenging twenty of the opposite side but they quickly received passes to the nearest graveyard.

The excitement and expectation was building. A few days earlier a legion of demons had suddenly sprung out of the Portal. Luckily the Urgent Dawn held them back until the Good and Bad Guys arrived to help out. Britofartus had joined in this monumental battle and for about twenty minutes had the time of his life! After a while though it all seemed a little repetitive and besides, the demons didn't drop any goodies so what was the point? It soon became apparent the Urgent Dawn could handle matters so everyone else went to the pub.

However as the event had occurred it raised speculation that maybe a significant event would happen when the portal fully opened. Britofartus could not wait! He looked around to see if any of his Gang where here. As in most things in life there was strength in numbers. A player could not get far in this world unless they joined a decent Gang. Britofartus's Gang was called The Mystic Diggers. The MD's reportedly had an impressive number of active Players, over one hundred and seventy on the last count. Britofartus had only met about thirty of them. He assumed the rest existed in a different Time Zone or something.

Sure enough as he scanned around he made out the odd member here and there. Although it appeared that every Gang in the world was represented, the whole event had a very 'Every man for himself" feel to it.

"YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!" shouted out a Player in the Generalised stream.

Britofartus responded, "YES I AM. I HAVE A PACKED LUNCH AND EVERY THING!"

This caused a lot of laughs; more good natured banter ensued. The atmosphere was friendly apart from several dozen Wizards showing off with their **AOE spells which was causing a time dilation effect. Questioning their mental age did not defer them nor did threats of actual violence. It was only when time stopped for a few seconds and a few of them disconnected from reality they realised it was maybe not such a good idea after all.

Midnight was but a couple of minutes away. Britofartus made his way to an overturned cart. This allowed him a better view of the proceedings and allowed a certain margin of safety if something huge and horrible burst through the portal with the intention of stomping on heads, whilst feasting on Player's steaming entrails.

As the appointed hour approached a deathly silence settled upon the Really Bad Lands. Britofartus clenched his buttocks tenaciously in expectation; there was less than a minute to go!

At the ten second mark someone began an oral countdown. By the time he had reached eight most of the Players present had joined in.

"Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One!"

It was like New Years Eve but without the fireworks. Nothing noticeable happened. The Portal continued to swirl with the same Dark'ish colours it had before, no huge demon made an appearance nor had there even been a token explosion.

"Err, is it supposed to be Twelve pm game time or Twelve pm local time?" shouted out a Barbarian.

"I thought it was One am local but Twelve pm game time?" a Wizard replied.

"Is it Twelve pm or Twelve am?" asked a different Wizard who looked remarkably similar to the other Wizard. It was all becoming very confusing.

"I've been queuing up here for days!" cried a Borelock as he sobbed uncontrollably on a fellow Gang Member's shoulders.

Britofartus was trying to decide what to do. Should he stay to see if the portal would eventually open up or call it a day? He was about to flip a coin when a pair of Assassins engaged in a mock battle fell into the Portal and disappeared!

There was a moment of stunned silence before on of the Assassins reappeared shouting, "C'mon you lot, the Portal is open!"

Britofartus surmised it must have become active at 12pm exactly as the Demon had predicted. Everyone had just assumed something significant would happen to indicate this but the Geeks had decided not to bother. It was, Britofaruts felt, the biggest let-down since the ***Giant Penguin Plague of Bolt-On 1.12.

Regardless the Portal was open and Players were surging through! Britofartus slapped Timothy's rump, jingled the carrot in front of his eyes and shouted, "Timothy, CHARGE!"

Timothy reared up on his hind legs, unleashing his battle cry.

"BLEEEAT!"

They charged forward, passing through the Portal. Moments later they where in the Otherlands!

_* Tall, built like a brick out house, covered in hair from top to tail with Horse-like features and therefore the butt of all "Why the long face?" jokes. Also rather good at ice-skating._

_** All Over Everyone Spell. Visually impressive, it certainly gets the enemies attention. The Wizard may as well light themselves up like a neon sign and shout "Attack me plz! Don't worry I'm wearing cloth!"_

_*** The Geeks occasionally create new areas and dungeons to explore, these are known as Bolt-On's. Bolt-On 1.12 was rumoured to include a floating dungeon called Bagsaruzz which would unleash a plague of Giant Penguins upon Earzaroth. Unfortunately Penguins cannot fly and giant ones fall faster and harder than normal sized ones. The Invasion itself was over in one afternoon without a single sword thrust or shot fired but the clean up operation took a whole week._


	5. Otherlands

**Otherlands**

There was a moment of nothingness, followed by a moment of clarity, followed by a moment desperately wanting to go to the toilet. Finally Britofartus made it through to the other side of the portal.

"Wow this is..." was as much as he managed to say before something slammed into his back with such force he flew off Timothy in a totally undignified manner.

Luckily his landing was soft as he fell on a bunch of semi-conscious Players.

Britofartus amazed himself by putting two and two together without getting the answer five for a change, the synapses in his brain literally screamed 'There are hundreds of Players trying to go through the portal at the same time, move out of the way you buffoon! He rolled over the heap of moaning bodies just seconds before the next victim landed.

He stood up brushing the dust, blood and vomit off his tunic. The portal from this side looked twice the size as it had from The Really Badlands. Viewing the awesome majestic glory of it all induced a massive attack of vertigo. He dropped to the floor, stuck his hands in the dirt (breaking a nail I might add) and held on for dear life in the totally illogical belief he was about to fall off the planet.

Several deep breaths later, Britofartus gained enough sanity to be able to peruse his surroundings with more clarity. A few feet from the portal there were an ever increasing pile of crashed mounts. Britofartus could hear Timothy bleating from somewhere inside the pile. Several feet away lay the mass sprawling of the mount's owners. As he watched another player ran out of the portal and he had to laugh out loud when 'the victim' met the exact same fate as everyone els

"Ooooh buuuggggeer!" he said as he sailed through the air before crashing into a player which had been struggling to his feet. Both went down in the heap of squirming arms and legs.

Britofartus amused himself by the portal for a few more minutes. He had a sandwich and even teamed up with some other Players for a while as they gave out scores to the 'new arrivals' based on height achieved and artistic impression. He soon reminded himself he had a new world to explore, so he waved goodbye to his fellow Players and moved away from the portal.

The Geeks provide all Players with a self-updating map, which is really handy. Britofartus opened his map out to see where he was. It displayed the immediate surrounding area as well as the name, 'Wellfried Penninsula."

It certainly was an apt description. To the left, as far as the eye could see was jutting shards of red rock interspersed by the odd lava explosion which shot high into the air. Over to his right there was an arena in which infeasible tall monsters battled it out whilst occasionally trampling on Players unfortunate enough to get too close to the action. After examining the fighting for a few moments Britofartus felt it was too choreographed and repetitive, as if this was just all for show. It certainly was impressive though and he felt he had to show some appreciation so he clapped excitedly for a bit.

A simply flick of the carrot on a stick helped Timothy to burst free of the mount pile sending horses, tigers and silly robotic emu type things flying in all directions. His mount retrieved, Britofartus galloped towards a throng of Players wandering along in the general direction like a line of refugees. In the hopes they knew where they were going, he meandered alongside enjoying the banter and general speculation. Fate smiled uncharacteristically on his shoulders as indeed the line ended at a *Cliff Point where he was able to purchase a ride on a Winged Mount to the nearest Good Guys base.

"Holy mother of ssssshhhhhhiiiiiiitttttte!" screamed Britofartus like a girl as his Phoenix plunged dangerously close to the splat zone before miraculously pulling out of the suicidal dive. Gaining height, Britofartus perused the Wellfried Peninsula with awe. The Cliff Master had stated the nearest Good Guy fort in this part of the Otherlands was called, 'Yes Your Honour Hold.' Apparently a Judge had spent his whole retirement fund on a 'Luxurious property, right on the outskirts of a popular tourist area in a highly desirable warm temperate zone'. He purchased said property from a distinguished looking Goblin from Bootylicious Bay in Earzaroff called "Slice-me-own-tongue-Wibbler". The fact that his name sounded remarkably similar to a popular literary character who was a rip-off merchant did not sway the judge in the slightest. After all the entire whole world was filled with homage references; some subtle, some might be seen as outright plagiarism! Why would the Judge suspect anything was amiss with the sweating profusely tradesman?

So that my friends, is the short but poignant tale of how Judge Gullible ended up with Yes Your Honour Hold; a dilapidated fort in a hostile land where the average temperature is "OMG! My face just melted!"

The fort was not yet in sight but Britofartus had plenty to gaze upon. Gracefully they flew over miles of terrifying terrain. Blistering hot crusts of magma-infused rock splayed along the floor like a drug induced artist's impression of prom night in hell.

Anyone foolish enough to venture out into such an environment without adequate footwear would no doubt return with two stumps and a singed bottom! Britofartus silently thanked the Geeks in a creative and metaphorically colourful manner at their decision to include in 'teh rulez' the statement that Guids could only wear cloth or leather.

Throughout the landscape there were signs of a recent battle. Huge war machines lay in smoldering ruins. Battering rams, Catapults and the aptly named Hurting Mechanisms were strewn about on the floor as if a demented giant child armed with a box of matches had thrown a tantrum.

Britofartus was flying low enough to make out detailed structures as well as catch a glimpse of the creatures that inhabited them. Some were quite familiar; a camp of Ogre Mages here, a temple of Demon Chicken Worshipers there. Britofartus had no doubt he would be visiting these establishments soon armed with a log full of quests and a staff full of pain! He'd seen many such areas on his travels before but as he zoomed across the landscape he started to make out distinctly alien looking creations.

These constructions thrummed with power! Arcane energy pulsed along giant metal rods interconnected by dark tendrils made of some sort of organic material. White flashes of electricity danced all over the structure like some mad scientist's unholy aberration.

The purpose of these creations was not clear however Britomartus could see they were being carefully tended by creatures which were part organic part machine hybrids. Whatever it was they were doing or the purpose of the machines was not good. It certainly was not to help Laxia; the blind Somalian orphan child raped by a mad goat, who needed cash for an urgent inverted bypass transplant Britofartus received mails about every day. No sir!

At little further on he spotted some Players. From this height they looked like little kids. Little kids running away in terror from giant steam powered robots!

"OMG, this is going to be so cool!" Britofarus yelled into the wind, swallowing a bug and nearly chocking to death.

Up head he saw the first outline of Yes Your Honour Hold. Soon he could see the fort more clearly and he could not help but be disappointed. It pretty much looked like every other fort he had ever been to, which guaranteed the interior décor would be based on similar 'cut & paste' principles. Still he reminded himself it would be only a temporary base of operations. Soon he would be out in the Wellfried Penisula fighting chicken worshipping demons while being chased by massive steam powered robots!

His winged mount banged sharply to the left towards the fort's Cliff Point. Britofartus was about to land!

_* There are no runways or any stretch of land long enough in the Otherlands for flying mounts build up enough speed to take off. Therefore the giant beasts and their terrified passenger are pushed unceremoniously off a cliff in the hopes that the mount will pull out of the dive before they are a splat on the landscape or a sploosh in the sea._


	6. Yes Your Honour Hold

**Yes Your Honour Hold**

It was organised chaos in Yes Your Honour Hold. Word had obviously spread of the portal fiasco because as soon as he landed Britomartus was yanked unceremoniously to once side by a red faced sweaty Vertically Challenged Person before the next Player came crashing in.

Britofartus felt a wave of nausea as he got his first look at the inside of the fort. This was not due to his journey or the amount of 'Rot Yer Guts And Give You The Smelly Plops' cider he had consumed last night. No the problem was the three thousand or so other Players all milling around looking equally dazed, confused and in need of the vomit bucket.

"Nutpac, where are you?" Britofartus yelled amid a sea of irritating spam.

Nutpacman was a Barbarian as well as the main *Tonk of the Mystic Diggers. Britofartus had teamed up with him several times in the past. While it was true he was psychotic (a natural trait of all Barbarians) he was reliable and could handle himself well in a fight.

"Right next to you sexy noob!" psst'd Nutpacman seductively.

"Jeezus Chreeeist Nutpac!" shouted Britofartus as he jumped right into the path of an incoming Flying Bat Thing.

"TONK!"

"Hey that's my sound!" complained Nutpacman but Britofartus did not hear any of it; he was out cold.

After reviving the dazed Guid with a bucket of water and a swig of Bendymind Brandy (Britofartus feels tipsy – weee!) our dynamic duo managed to locate other members of their Gang. Kenneth, a human Assassin, Imodium a Guid Borelock, Spurmunit a Guid Clergy and surprisingly enough, a patch of land not yet covered by Players.

"Where's Woof?" asked Kenneth

Woof was the Gang Leader. He was also an expert of making money out of the most mundane tasks and had the unique ability to sell any piece of crap imaginable.

"Last I saw he was heading over there" Spurmunit said pointing to what was left of the fort's crumbling west wall. Britofartus pushed his way through the crowd. Sure enough he could see in the distance next to a small pool stood Woof holding a fishing rod. Next to him lay an ever growing mountain of fish. The waterline marks around the ridge where Woof was standing suggested this pool had been, up until recently, a rather large lake. Woof waved at Britofartus before focusing back on the fishing. Back in Earzaroff the Geeks had been forced to impose a strict fishing quota on Woof to protect several species from extinction. It appeared a similar tactic would have to be quickly implemented in the Otherlands before all marine life vanished.

Turning, Britofartus began the short but challenging walk back to his Gang mates. Most Players were asking other Players were various profession trainers where and most Players were receiving the answer "I don't know, I can't move!"

Just as he managed to barge his way back to Nutpacman there was a collective gasp from the crowd. A moment later someone shouted, "Look! There's a Non-Player bearing the Mark of Exclam!"

Three thousand bodies turned in unison towards the source of this shout. They then turned in unison again in the direction he was pointing. After two seconds hesitation everyone surged towards the now terrified looking Not-Player. Some changed forms, some leapt on mounts, some drank a potion and shrank shouting "Bugger, wrong potion!" but all moved. This sudden shift of so many bodies caused red alert klaxons to bellow out at the Geek's headquarters. Emergency contingency plans were initiated as time itself threatened to halt due to the unexpected actions of so many Players performing the same action at the same time. The Not-Player tried to cope with thousands of Pssts but had a total nervous breakdown two point three seconds later. Steam started to rise from the land as the realm temperature soared into the high blimeys! Just when it looked like reality would cease to exist the Geek's emergency procedures 'kicked' in and the whole world was **booted.

Normality returned and the Non-Player suddenly got better. Britofartus examined the queue and calculated it would be two days before it was his turn to collect the quest. Suddenly Nutpacman grabbed his wrist.

"Nutpac this is hardly the time for messing…"

"Wait!" interrupted Nutpacman. "Everyone wait! Let's go the opposite way to everyone else. That way we'll get to do a different quest rather than be on the same one as thousands of other people."

"That's so crazy it just might work" said Spurmunit admiringly. "We may not chuck you out of the Gang after all!"

"What the…?" started Nutpacan but Spurmunit and the rest had mounted up and were headed off at epic speed. Their destination; Terrorfnarr Forest!

_* Tonks are the Players who block the enemy from the rest of the party during combat. They can take a lot of damage which results in a distinctive 'Tonk' sound, for example a ten foot weapon wielded by a thirty foot horror connecting soundly with their armoured head = "Tonk!"_

_** Proving the well known fact that 99% of all problems can be solved by giving the source a good kicking._


	7. Terrorfnarr

**Terrorfnarr**

A short time later the group entered the dark forest of Terrorfnarr. Winding its way through the maze of ancient trees lay a small, dimly lit path. All around this path, but strangely enough not venturing onto it, were a legion of level *? creatures the likes of which belonged in a senile old Grannie's darkest nightmare.

"I don't like it here." whispered Kenneth as the group cautiously plodded their way through the forest. "Can we go back?"

"Don't be such a wuss, I'll take on anything me!" replied Nutpacman.

"I desperately need to fart," pointed out Britofartus nervously "but I'm scared it will draw too much attention!"

Most enemies would ignore you unless you got too close, coughed too loud or wore an extremely silly hat. Controlling attention was a key part of survival! This was why the group was walking single file in the middle of the path.

Spurmunit thought Britofartus might be trying to lighten the situation but realised they could do with more back-up if they were going to stand any chance of questing in this area.

"I'm going to scan the recruitment stream to see if we can get more people interested in joining our party" advised Spurmunit.

A few moments later he looked up, one eyebrow raised in surprise. "Hey I've just checked and Nutpac has already formed a new ten main raid party which comprises of nine Nutpacman's and one space left for a Wizard. What gives?"

"Well I can Tonk and do damage. I have a pet to defend me in battle." Nutpacman pointed to his turtle that was munching on a piece of cabbage. It was a painfully slow process and Britofartus would bet good odds the cabbage leaf would go off before he finished it.

"I can heal myself." Nutpacman proudly displayed his stained bandages. "So all I need is a Wizard to turn an enemy all **sheep'ish and making water for me."

Players ate food to regain health, drank water to regain Manga. Silly but simple. Get used to thinking silly but simple, it's like a mantra to all Players.

"But you're a Barbarian?" pointed out Spurmunit."You don't use Manga?"

"So?" replied Nutpacman with a blank expression.

Ignoring Nutpacman's insane ranting, Spurmunit cleared his group and put out a call on the Gang stream for assistance. He managed to get Fishmisfit, Gloey, Denethawin, Buchish and the aptly named Newmember to sign up. Moments later they arrived thanks to Imodium. One of a Borelock's abilities is to manifest other players to their location. This requires the help of two other players who are used as a power conduit for the manifestation. The whole process takes a few seconds but, more importantly, looks really cool.

Almost as soon as their fellow Gang members had arrived and greeted each other there was a sound like a balloon makes when it is untied and let loose, followed by a huge sigh of relief from Britofartus, followed shortly after by a rather unpleasant smell. In the surrounding woodlands a thousand glowing eyes suddenly focused in the group's direction.

"Sorry" apologised Britofartus. "I couldn't hold it in any longer!"

Even with the extra Players Spurmunit knew there were too many enemies to fight. He decided a strategic withdrawal was in order.

"Run!" he shouted.

Everyone ran except Nutpacman who stood his ground, drew his sword and shouted, "Have at you!" before being mowed down. Several painfully embarrassing seconds later the evil indescribable things from mad grannie's mind caught up with the rest of the fleeing party who were slaughtered mercilessly. The whole party was wiped out!

_* Enemies that are such a high level you have no idea how fast you died, under what circumstances or which direction your head flew off._

_** Wizards have the ability to temporarily make one enemy too shy to fight. This is quite useful in controlling how many the party fight at any one time but it can be quite distracting having this huge, evil looking fiend standing at the side saying stuff like, "Gee, I don't know, I'd like to fight but you guys are like, so imposing and macho and stuff. It's quite intimidating you know!"_


	8. It's Death Jim, but not as we know it

**It's Death Jim, but not as we know it**

Death is a controversial subject which has caused a lot of heated debate. It has been known to cause entire brains to implode for those unlucky enough to try to understand it.

Just as there are different life forms in the universe, there are also different death forms. In Earzaroff and Otherlands death operates on a different level. It is silly to expect most Players could survive in such dangerous environments without a little bit of death now and again. The problem was if death was truly the end of a Players existence most Players would not make it through their first few quests! Not only would this be boring for the Geeks but financially non-viable.

So the Geeks altered death from being the ultimate sacrifice to merely a slight inconvenience. If you died your spirit was whisked away to the nearest graveyard in ghost form. Here you faced two choices. Either accept a resurrection there from a beautiful but extremely vindictive Angel spirit person, or travel in ghost form to your corpse and resurrect there. Both options have their pros and cons.

If you accepted the Angels offer she would resurrect you, but then cast a curse while giggling insanely. The curse damaged armour as well as making you engage in projectile vomiting for the next ten minutes.

If you chose to travel in ghost form it could be sometime before you found your body. Even though you were a 'ghost' you could not phase through solid objects nor float over anything more than a couple of feet high.

When you did find your body you resurrected in a weakened state and were therefore extremely vulnerable to attack, especially from the beast which had just killed you.

So the question is, does this make everyone effectively immortal? No is the short answer, although Guids used to be immortal until they gave it all away for some inexplicable reason. Rumours are it was over an argument about Pizza.

Anyway, although Players could not die on a permanent basis they could just stop doing anything. This was known as 'the living death'. Players would one day stop questing, talking or doing anything really. They simply stood transfixed in the same spot looking slightly bemused. After a while someone would eventually become spooked out and go bury them in a forest somewhere.

The other death alternative was to be deleted. The Geeks had the power to delete any Player from existence. This fate was held for any Player involved in a serious transgression of 'teh Rulez.' Players didn't come back from being deleted although there were rumours, probably urban myths, that a Player could be restored.

Some Players seemed to die inside and become…different. One day one person, the next they developed a totally different personality. They look the same, sound the same but act in a totally different manner while saying things they had never said before. They would even forget previous encounters with Gang mates! This mysterious illness was known as Ebay Syndrome and it was said those who suffered from it were never the same again. Usually the Geeks would put them out of their misery and delete them.

So no, although Death itself was not the end Players could still cease to be.

Death and its many variants were indeed strange but most Players got along with the concept quite easily without worrying too much about the how and the why. Indeed, the great Guid philosopher Gumpta-Gumpta said about death "It is bloody stupid, why bother with it at all?" moments before his brain imploded.

Death was more like letting a Player know they were not quite ready for an area yet and to come back when they had leveled up a bit or obtained better gear, though maybe a danger sign would have been less annoying and reduce armour repair bills. This rarely stopped Players from trying again though. Sometimes it is only after a Player is killed multiple times at the same point the message final reaches their tiny brains. Noobs!

So this was why when Britofartus and the rest of the raid party 'died' they found themselves in the nearby graveyard where they could literally 'see though each other'.


	9. The Ancient Golden WilderFridge

**The Ancient Golden WilderFridge Aspect of the Coat Hanger**

"We gonna rez and try again?" asked Nutpacman.

"Sure why not, as long as Brito's quite finished with his farting." replied Spurmunit.

In Ghost form Britomartus attempted to blush but failed miserably. "Sorry guys."

"I'll rez you all!" offered the Spirit Angel.

"No chance!" replied Imodium. "You're a vindictive little spirit and we're not falling for that old trick."

REZZ!

TWANG!

HUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRLLLLL!

"Oh Dene you didn't accept the rez offer did you?" asked Britofartus.

"Yes…I thought," HUUUURRRLLL "I thought she was being nice this time." HUURRRRLL! "I feel awful!"

"Tee-hee!" giggled the Spirit Angel.

Kenneth floated close to the Spirit Angel.

"Are you looking down my top?" she asked.

"Yes," replied Kenneth smugly, "yes I am!"

The rest of the party floated their way back to their bodies while Denethawin miserably followed painting the trees greenish yellow with vomit all along the way.

Once rezzed and the curse had worn off the group managed to tip-toe the rest of the way through the forest until they reached entrance of a huge cave. Outside the entrance stood an Orge/Troll/Dwarf type thing bearing the Mark of Exclam! Congratulating themselves on being the first group to find this they soon discovered from the weird looking Not-Player that all they had to do was go in the cave, kill one monster and come back to claim the reward which was, 'The Ancient Golden WilderFridge Aspect of the Coat Hanger.' A green item of immense power!

"There is a god! Exclaimed Buchish. "The Ancient Golden WilderFridge Aspect of the Coat Hanger be thy name!"

"Look at the stats on that!" said Nutpacman whistling. "Deffo Warriors gear that."

"But its leather!" pointed out Britofartus. "You wear plate armour!"

"So?" replied Nutpacman with a blank expression on his face.

"Stop ranting and let's get in there!" ordered Spurmunit.

All crept in apart from Imodium who looked at the Ogre/Troll/Dwarf type thing for a few moments before saying, "Manifesting myself. Need two to assist."

Imodium liked spooking Not-Players but this one seemed made of sterner stuff. He seemed more intent on finding what was really, really stuck so far up his nose rather than worrying about a Player's mental health.

Seconds ticked by in stony silence, which was only broken by a loud scream and the sudden whooshing sound Newmember's body made as it flew out of the cave and landed with a loud splat against a tree. Imodium used the powers of a Borelock to summon a demon minion to do his bidding.

"We'd best get in there then" said Imodium to his minion. "It sounds like they might be in a bit of trouble."

Imodium strode briskly into the cave, while his minion strode even more briskly in the opposite direction.

Inside Imodium found the remaining eight members of the party on one side of the cave while on the other stood a small boy called Cecil.

"What's all this then?" asked Imodium.

"That's the boss!" said Gloey pointing at Cecil.

"Lol! Seriously, what just killed the newbie?"

"I told you, the boss over there!"

"What the boy? Ah, does he morph into a big Dragon or something?"

"No he…he tickles."

"I've had enough of this," interrupted Nutpacman. "Newmember's not a good a Tonk as me and he waded in before anyone was ready. Let's go! One bowl of Cecil soup coming right up!"

Before anyone could object Nutpacman charged in, swinging his sword in a wide arc delivering a flurry of sundering blows on Cecil. Cecil just smiled, reached out and started tickling him. Moments later Nutpacman mega-armour exploded! It took all of Spurmunit, Britofartus and Denetharwin's healing powers to keep Nutpacman alive.

Everyone else waded in throwing everything they could at Cecil who giggled.

"Cecil's only down to 96% health! shouted Spurmunit. "I need a *Regenerate!"

"I've already used it on Nutpacman!" replied Brito.

"You idiot! He's a warrior, he doesn't use manga!"

"So?" replied Britofartus with a blank expression on his face.

"Oh I give up I really do, you're all bloody insane, and I've a good mind to…"

Spermunit's rant was interrupted by the falling off of Nutpacman's arms due to intense tickling. This was shortly followed by his legs and then…other bits.

Cecil proceeded to make short and ticklish work of the rest of the party.

He phased Buchish and Kenneth together, manifested Imodian into the cave wall, over healed Spermunit to the point he died of good health. To finish off he cast a massive AOE called "All Die Instantly and There's No Defence Against it."

As ghosts and wisps they made there way back to the cave. As they were rezzing Britofartus made the suggestion that maybe they weren't quite ready for this area yet so maybe they should all head back to the starting point and look for easier areas to quest in. Everyone reluctantly agreed.

Just as they were about to leave, Fishmisfit noticed something amiss.

"Err, how come Cecil appears to be err, kinda dead?"

Fearing it was some trap the group cautiously examined Cecil's body. He still had 92% health and was sporting and insane grin but he was lying down and looked quite inert. They also found they could loot him.

"Yeah, Yeah, a blessing from the lord!" shouted Britofartus.

"What? What's going on?" demanded Denetharwin

"Cecil's buggered!" said Britofarus with glee!

Britofarus noticed Denetharwin's puzzled expression remained.

"You've never seen anything get buggered?" asked Britofartus in amazement.

"I'm a healer. I don't notice anything much apart from everyone's health levels. My life is dictated by green bars. Please kill me!"

Ignoring Denetharwin's plea Britofartus explained while searching Cecil's pockets for loot.

"Nothing's perfect, even the Geeks make mistakes. No let me start that again. Nothing's perfect, especially the Geek's who make mistakes all the time!"

Britofartus found ten gold coins which he split between the party.

"So when things don't work quite as they should do, then it's buggered until the Geeks can fix it. Anyone need a Ring of the Clean Shaven? Fishmisfit? Yeah? Ok cool. Anyway where was I, oh yeah! Normally we can report these incidents to the Oracles of the Geeks, those Geek Messenger (GM) guys who always claim everything is working as intended but surprise, surprise a few minutes later it's fixed! Ugh, a snotty rag! Nutpacman you want this? Why? Never mind, take it. But in this case this mega hard boss has died for no reason so we get the reward and keep it all quiet like. You understand?"

"You are at full health." replied Denetharwin.

Britofartus took that as a yes and removed Cecil's left big toenail to prove to the Not-Player that they had defeated the boss as per the Quest rulez. The party then acted like shepherds and got the flock out of there as quickly as possible in case Cecil was Booted by the Geeks.

They legged it back to the entrance where Britofartus handed in the quest. As there was only one Ancient Golden WilderFridge Aspect of the Coat Hanger, the party used the well established fair method of rolling for it, using one hundred sided dice. Please do not ask me to explain!

Before the rolls could finish however, Nutpacman (who had rolled a one) grabbed The Ancient Golden WilderFridge Aspect of the Coat Hanger, while mentioning something about it should be his to cover his repair cost and anyway, the Gang should all put towards the cost of his new mount before legging it from the astonished group.

There was a moment of shocked silence before they all raised their fist and yelled!

**"Samurai Bstard!"

A thousand glowing eyes suddenly appeared in the surrounding trees…"

_* The Regenerate skill is exclusive to Guids and quickly regenerates a Player's manga. However nine times out of ten Guids are forced to use it on a Clergy which results in the Guid singing the, "If Clergy need Regenerates so badly why give it to the Guids you big numpty Geeks" song_

_** Players who sneak up and nick loot without anyone noticing are referred to as Ninjas. Others who cannot be arsed and do it right in front of your face are known as Samurai. They have a strange code of honour which implies if they go 'Nah Nah Na-Nah Nah' while stealing the object in plain sight of the entire party then it is ok._


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Rezzing for a third time the Mystic Diggers finally escaped from the clutches of Terrorfnarr forest. They kicked Nutpacman from the Gang for his dastardly Samurai deed. He screamed like a girl, claiming he had eleventy Gangs begging him to join their ranks and the Mystic Diggers 'sucked massive donkey penis anyway'. The Mystic Diggers agreed they already regretted…ever letting him join in the first place before they tentatively returned to the relative safety of Yes Your Honour Hold.

Britofartus decided until he had best wait until he levelled up a bit more before leaving the comfort zone of Wellfried Penninsula. Kenneth decreed he was going back to the level one starting zone in Earzaroff where it was safe…sometimes…as long as he kept quiet and did not move.

What happened over the next few weeks became the stuff of legends. Well a bit anyway. Actually it is more like the stuff of sillyness than actual legends but do not mention this to Britofartus, as he turns himself into a tree and goes into a sulk. However this tale is for another time, another place as I have tallied on these records for long enough. I have a lot of cringing to catch up on so I can prepare for the new expansion, Crapalysm! For now adieu my fellow Players and remember, a puppy may be just for Christmas but a MMORPG is for LIFE!

Britofartus will return for more adventures in Earzaroff, Otherlands and even Northend. Well he might; if people want him to


End file.
